Well,this is new? A journal critiquing horrible films?
This is just something I wanted to try out for quite a while to see if I can put into my two pennies about several films that were either bad,so bad it's good,or just goddamn stupid shit movies. I've been watching a bunch of internet film/television critics,notably "The Nostalgia Critic",Chris Stuckmann,The Black Nerd,and so on and so on - there was a lot of well written notes these folks had for films that are bad that avoided taking time to write a decent script STRAIGHT to a film so bad you'll crap yourself hilarious films. Also,my good friend
had done one list himself,so I wanted to give it a shot xP
I have given a lot of thought to this list,so please bear with me lol
Also,if any of these films you enjoyed watching and like them,okay then this list is not stopping you from enjoying them
So,here are my top 10 WORST films of 2015:
(10) Jupiter Ascending
A sci-fi "Epic" (if you can call it that) about a cleaning lady (played by Mila Kunis) who turns out to be a descendant of an intergalactic queen and is then taken on a quest into space by Caine Wise--SNORT!....sorry,I almost laughed at that dumb name,so I'll just call him Channing Tatum. The girl is taken by Tatum into space because he wants to show her that she was "Destined" to be great beyond everything else - eh,sounds boring. I didn't exactly see the entirety of this film,not just because the Nostalgia Critic viewed it first and I saw the clips he had for his review,but I did attempt to watch a decent amount of time for this flick on HBO....holy crap. Just...wow.
This film is written and directed by the Wachowskis who brought us the "Matrix" trilogy - the third one was crap and I only like the second one for its highway chase sequence and the Neo vs Smith clones fight,which their vision had revolutionized filmmaking for quite some time,but now they've tired out their talents that had such potential and had turned them into movie tropes - making the filmgoers groan and rub their temples at how repetitive and boring their cliches are put into their films....this one especially.
-So,what's wrong with this movie?...do I need to say it? The main character is "Jupiter Jones"....Jupiter Jones? Really? Sounds like you guys ripped that name off of some comic book character - oh wait,there is a character with a (almost) similar name : Jessica Jones. You know,the decent character with a complex backstory that now has her own series on Netflix and has Season 2 greenlit ALREADY?!?
-Another thing - what the fck
did you guys do to Channing Tatum? He looks like Golem banged honey boo-boo's mom and had plastic surgery before graduating high school in his 30's. This is the guy who's doing pretty well : "Magic Mike","21 & 22 Jump Street","Foxcatcher",and even getting his own role in the X-Men's "Gambit" film,and yet you guys gave him very little direction that made his acting made middle school plays look decent and enjoyable!
-The visuals and the worldly designs are pretty decent and very colorful....too bad I can't say the same thing for everyone's performances in this horse-shit of an ass-film. Eddie Redmayne,the man nominated an Oscar for playing Stephen Hawking - STEPHEN FUCKING HAWKING,in "The Theory of Everything",made me very tired,bored and goddamn anxious to get up and leave the goddamn theater. I'm sorry,this guy is an incredible actor but in this film,he sounds like a bumbly old Mafia mob boss who was about to nod off and sleep...actually I wouldn't be surprised if that was the director's idea for Eddie's character =\
There's no other good notes for this film,other than the fact that how it was all designed it could've been a decent sci-fi film - but nope. The Wachowskis decided not to go for originality and think too much on making a great epic,they get a little ahead of themselves.
As soon as I heard Hugh Jackman (known as the Wolverine) was casted as Black Beard,I was like : "An Australian Oscar nominated actor who's buff and seriously an awesome and talented? Cool!". I saw this film with my roommate with high hopes for this kind of different interpretation to the original story of "Peter Pan" and the animated film from Disney,which I don't mind as long as the story and ideas work well.....this movie is not the example of that. This movie was just so damn boring and somewhat gloomy,it kind of felt like I first saw "Man of Steel" because of the cinematography - difference is,I can find some kind of enjoyment out of that movie. For this one,this was down straight boring. The visuals are pretty decent,the kid actor playing Peter Pan,Levi Miller,is showing he's at least trying and he's probably the reason why I found a good note into this film.
-Hugh Jackman,an awesome badass as Wolverine,surprised me that he sang well in Les Miserable,and voiced a badass rabbit in "Rise of the Guardians" - for this film,I didn't feel he was just as great as he is in the other titles. He isn't horrible but at least he's trying in this film. Plus,his haircut...I can't stop smirking or giggling like a little girl without looking at it with a straight face - seriously,he looks like he fell asleep bald on one of those neck pillows you buy at the airport convenient kiosks and got stuck onto his skin,hahahaha oh god. I kinda prefer the Black Beard from the "One Piece" anime series.
-Garrett Hedlund and Rooney Mara are equally terrible,and oddly casted. Garrett looks like he could be a young Captain Hook which I don't mind - but Rooney Mara? Seriously? I mean,like I said I don't mind different interpretations with different ideas that could work in these movies,but why her? She is an incredible actress from "The girl with the dragon tattoo" and "Side Affects",so why does she look like she doesn't care for this movie? I'm guessing she knew this movie would blow more than a hooker at a Black Friday waiting line giving other people services while they wait for the store to open up.....did I mention this journal is NSFW? xD
-Another thing,this movie has Hugh Jackman conducting his crewmates singing "Smells like a teen spirit" from Nirvana......................................................................................................................why are you looking at me like that? What,you think I'm joking? NO! They literally sang that song. I sat in my seat wondering,"What the hell was the producers thinking? This is Peter Pan - not a FUCKING MUSICAL OF MAD MAX!".....which actually doesn't sound like a bad idea,as long as George Miller is still behind the idea. They also sang "Blitzkrieg Bop" from The Ramones......I'm-I....I'd be too stupid to make this shit up,these two scenes are up on YouTube if you guys don't believe me.
Levi Miller and Hugh Jackman are probably the only ones I liked in this film,but I can't go beyond saying I like this movie...it just sucks.
(8) Terminator Genysis
Oh boy,another terminator film that's not James Cameron? SOLD!....not really.
When I first heard the cast was made,Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor,I thought to myself,"Well,she almost resembles Linda Hamilton and she's from Game of Thrones. She might do well" - Jai Courtney as Kyle Reese,I thought maybe he'll do better than "Die Hard 5".....oh man....I was dead wrong.
The movie is basically an alternative timeline from Terminator 1 & 2 where T-800 and Sarah try to fix the timeline to prevent the Cyberdyne terminator robots from taking over the world. There's a couple of good notes in this movie but very little,so I'll get this out of the way : Arnold Schwarzenegger is still as good as the terminator,or in this case "The Guardian"/"Pops",who's a father figure to Sarah Connor,which is actually a pretty interesting idea. Plus Arnold gives a pretty good performance and has some decent comedic scenes where the guardian is still learning,which again is interesting.
J.K. Simmons - I freaking love this dude from his other roles from Sam Raimi's Spiderman films,and from his Oscar worthy film "Whiplash". He's not over the top nor underwhelming in this film,which I thought was a good thing - pretty much the crime investigator who's obsessed with the first appearance of Kyle Reese and looking into the T-800,which is another idea that was interesting enough to look into. Only thing is he's not very much seen in this movie,which I thought was disappointing.
The action scenes are pretty good,mostly the bus chase scene wasn't that bad.
Now the bad things in this movie.............SO - MANY - PROBLEMS
First of all,I know the film goes down hill when the actors are just damn boring. Emilia Clarke especially - jesus woman,you're incredible as the Dragon Mother,why not be as good in this film?? Jai Courtney just looks interested but you can immediately sense he has no interest in this movie. Jason Clarke is basically a dull,one dimensional John C. Reilly in this movie - I mean,Christian Bale wasn't that great in 'Salvation' but he at least gives a better performance than Jason.
There wasn't much surprise for the plot because well,if you've seen the trailer,then it would've spoiled the surprises before you would even think about going out to buy your local tickets. The T-3000 terminator is pretty cool I guess,but there's nothing else interesting about his character : pretty much someone who won't die from just handguns or even grenade launchers,but will be obliterated unless you blow him up with a greater explosion (which is in the final act of the film). Not much of this film is as engaging as the first two films were. As I noted earlier,there's at least like 2 or 3 ideas that seemed interesting at first,if they were put any more thought into them.
Honestly,I'm just waiting to see Jai Courtney's performance in the upcoming "Suicide Squad".
(7) Fant4stic (or Fantastic Four....ugh -_-)
So,this is Fox's fourth Fantastic Four film in the row,including the straight to VHS movie which was laughably bad. Now,just like 'Terminator Genysis' there's a few notes that I found were pretty good in the film,so let's get to them now.
-The cast are pretty damn good in this film - while in the comics the team is kind of old,this film is casting the younger actors for the younger interpretation,which I don't have a problem with that. Michael B. Jordan is actually damn good as Johnny Storm,who was charming and pretty funny - not as annoying as the 2005's Johnny Storm (I wanted to punch him in the dick for being annoying xD),and plus Jordan's role is pretty damn good.
Reg E. Cathy as Susan and Johnny Storm's father is pretty damn good as well - seriously. Just like Morgan Freeman and Michael Douglas,his voice is probably something I'd like to listen to when he tries to talk to you as a person or give you advice. His performance is pretty good as well. Jamie Bell is especially great as Ben Grimm - his voice especially as The Thing,which is far better than Michael Chiklis' voice in the earlier films.
Now,to get the bad out of the way....*INHALES*...here we go
The pacing is very sluggish and not very well planned,it just skips through the scenes that are necessary or they're just damn short - just as short as the scenes seen in the trailers. The visual effects are modestly bad for the most part - mostly when Reed Richards stretches out during the fight scenes and as well as the final act. Jesus Christ,who funded the budget for the visual effects : Uwe Boll?? This is from Josh Trank,the guy who made "Chronicle" with pretty wicked action sequences and a decent storyline - the rest of this film just feels as awkward to make you cringe,and as boring as to make you want to leave and get a refund and go watch Ant-Man (which is a DAMN GOOD Marvel film!).
The cast's performance were pretty decent - where they're boring is obviously not their fault,mostly coming from director Josh Trank and his behind the scenes commotion and ruckus.
Gah,suspenseful movies nowadays....why are you being pissed and trampled on by Hollywood? Because they see you as a quick way to grab a buck or two from us,the audience. It's no secret that horror films today are either boring or just shitty,but this film is probably in the boring zone. Now,don't get me wrong,I did see this film with my roommate only because he thought it looks good.
The realistic fuzzy quality in these Skype calls and the sound effects in the film are pretty much on point,which I thought were key points to make the situation realistic. At first,I expected these characters to be nice kids,sweethearts,teacher's pets,yadda yadda - but no,the film tried to depict the teens nowadays who're addicted to technology today,like the internet and the popular media.
....I fucking HATE these kids. Most suspenseful films have teen characters that are naive and ignorant but tend to have a kind heart on the inside,you know the teen kid tropes. But for this one,might as well not make it a suspenseful film - the characters are just unlikeable. A bunch of dickheads,ignorant bitches,piece of shit teens you see on those stupid Vines that do stupid shit that'll make a 12 year old laugh. I literally sat there in my seat anxiously,waiting for that one moment where the teens would be killed off and make the dead girl's death justified.
Here's what pissed me off from these kind of movies :
Now who was behind all this?...the dead girl's spirit. Great,what a twist,good job,10 outta 10,there's gold in the field and this one happened to be one,Oh Captain my Captain,M. Night Shyamalan must be blushing that you took notes from his shit-films. Come on guys,I mean for a suspense that had potential to be pretty decent,you guys had to do the spirit of the dead person who wants revenge. Hmmmm,found footage involving spirits killing people recording the conversation....why does that sound familiar?.......
THAT'S PARANORMAL FUCKING ACTIVITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come on guys,seriously.
You could've made the plot shorter like this :
Teen girl dies at party,some computer genius hacks into her account to spook the living shit out of these teen pieces of human garbage,hack into their laptops and blow the fuck out of them. The hacker could've been someone doing the dead girl some justice,but it's at least better than a fucking spirit. I'm done with these dumbass films with these lame ass use of undead ghosts.
(5) Paul Blart : Mall Cop 2
Alright,let's get this fuck-shit over with.
Kevin James,why the hell do you keep popping up in critics' most hated films and annoying actors? You were pretty well in "Kings and Queens" and your own movie "Here comes the boom",which that movie wasn't perfect but goddamn that's the only movie I actually enjoyed watching you in. Paul Blart...my god. If he made a cameo in the Dead Rising games,where he's not a zombie and Frank West would grab a baseball bat and go up to him - Paul : "wait wait,I'm alive" *Frank West beats the living shit out of this fatass*
God-DAMMIT I hate this movie.
The first one isn't at all funny nor memorable,so why the flying fat pig does the movie entitled a sequel?...Adam Sandler.
No friggin' surprise : fat jokes that are probably funny to that 10 year old who squeals while playing Call of Duty on the mike,or probably any famous Viner - either way,I wouldn't be surprised. Some of the jokes are probably repeated from the last movie,or probably a bunch ripped out from Adam Sandler's previous films. Again,wouldn't be surprised. And the segway jokes,aren't even as close to bringing me to laugh : The video clips from "America's Funniest Home Videos" come out to be unintentional and it happens naturally,which is hilarious...here,it's goddamn cringe worthy. And I just wish Paul Blart would be killed off by old age,his segway,or even chronic diabetes because I fucking hate these movies and I fucking hate this character.
Now,Adam Sandler,I get it that Kevin James is your best friend,your bro,your brother from the biological mother that aborted you and dumped you in a trash can behind a Cheesecake Factory and probably got adopted by Donald Trump's dad.....STOP MAKING THE SAME FUCKING JOKES. The fart jokes,the immature characters,the typical generic bully antagonist,JUST STOP!
They were funny back in the late 90's,but this is (now) 2016 and there's a bunch of films that are cleverly well written and probably worthy to top the box office that your horse-shit,monkey poo flung ass-fuck movies rarely gain. Jesus dude,make up some new material and make a decent film,or just on vacation like you always do with your movies.
I'm done with your tired ass.
Speaking of Adam Sandler...
I don't care what your producers say,it's a goddamn rip off to the one episode from "Futurama". But whatever,let's get this over with....
So,this movie is basically a bunch of former retro gamers turned into regular adults (minus Sandler of course) who are asked by the president (played by Kevin James)......what the fuck did I just write? Kevin James as the President?? What the---how the----why would-----ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING MY BALLSACK??? KEVIN "MY NIPPLES HAVE DIABETES" JAMES IS THE PRESIDENT??.....GAH I HATE THIS PLANET SO FUCKING MUCH---ahem....we'll get back to that. The president has the team to fend off against an alien race who want to destroy earth with some nostalgic video game characters....yeah totally Futurama right there.
So,what's wrong with this film? Rhetorical question,everything - from the plot,to the ideas,to the jokes,Kevin James as the............you know what. So,Adam Sandler is a satellite installer who's friends with Kevin James and throw jokes at each other - but unlike the previous films where Adam and Kevin throw jokes at each other for fun,Adam throws jokes at Kevin as some kind of asshole who thinks he's above everyone but others know he's a dickhead. I'm not going into the film that much,cause....Futurama,but there's a bunch of stuff that pissed off the audience to hate this movie :
-Adam Sandler being the badass in this film,blasting video game characters - even though he's like in his late 40's,he's quite "athletic". The movie makes him the obvious protagonist who makes the jokes towards everyone and makes him unlikeable.
-Logic doesn't exist
-Michelle Monaghan is the obvious love interest to Adam Sandler
-Michelle Monaghan is a colonel in the movie who's had an incredible knowledge of field strategy,yet the military officials allow Sandler to be the Tom Cruise in this bullshit of a movie
-Brian Cox as the generic bully antagonist
-Kevin James as the President.....yeah as soon as you saw his role confirmed on Wikipedia,this movie was going to bomb bigger than a JDAM bombing ISIS' secret porn stash buildings
-Josh Gad is goddamn annoying - dude,go back to being the snowman from Frozen and don't ever talk in this movie.....EVER
I keep bringing up Adam Sandler because this guy was the comedian who made millions laugh on Saturday Night Live and his first few major motion picture roles where people thought he could be the next god of comedy.....holy shit we were dead wrong. This guy makes the same jokes over,and over,and over,and over,and GAAAAAH WHY IS KEVIN JAMES THE PRESIDENT??? SERIOUSLY?!? HAVE YOU JUST GIVEN UP!!!!! KEVIN "MY MILKSHAKES SCARE THE BOYS AWAY" JAMES,WHY?!?!?!?
....fuck this movie. NEXT
(3) Hitman : Agent 47
...Yeah,no one is surprised that the director of "Die Hard 5" ruined the fun and awesome Die Hard franchise,came up and directed this piece of donkey shit movie. Video game movies are probably the worst thing since Uwe Boll being the film director for whatever he can write and direct and make the smallest amount of cash from nothing after nothing worth accomplishing...this movie gives no justice to the fans.
I'm not gonna lie,I haven't played the Hitman games that often but I do watch some of the playthroughs on YouTube and as far as I can see,the stories are pretty good,Agent 47 is a badass and someone with a complex and interesting backstory - Timothy Olyphant was probably a decent choice for this agent,but the actor (whom I'm too lazy to look him up) is a discount Jason Statham,but even more boring. The action in this movie is underwhelming and pretty unfocused - too much shaky cam that made me cringe so much,I just fell asleep in my seat. I didn't even bother finishing the two-thirds of this movie.
Plus,for an assassin like Agent 47,who's known for having the highest experience and great training in stealth and silence in killing his enemies...this agent isn't so good with stealth. Seriously John Moore? Do you even video game yourself?
Plus,waaaaaaaaaaay too much product placement with the car the main character uses in the movie - apparently the director has a hard on for Audi sports car.....kinda like how Jason Statham uses in the Transporter movies,WHICH ARE FAR BETTER THAN THIS HORSESHIT PIECE OF COCK-ASS MOVIE!
With the new "Warcraft" movie that's being anticipated to be the first video game movie to break the curse of terrible movie adaptations to our favorite video game titles. Marvel and DC has their comic book movies that are awesome and well written,so let's give some video games a chance at being well written and well directed AND well acted films. I'm getting sick and tired of these dumbass movies.
John Moore,you suck as a director. Just leave our favorite franchises alone.
Now these last two movies I've thought real hard,and it's quite difficult to chose....
(2) Paranormal Activity : The Ghost Dimension (or Paranormal Activity 6)
Please....please dear lord....let this be the last and final movie. Please...no more. I can't take the stupidity and boring and shit-fuck sequels this franchise has cooked up for no one to remember.
So,what does the producers have for us in this 6th installment?....ghosts haunting happy family which a family member doesn't believe but they all die anyway. The end. I mean.....need I say more?
Why is it when we want some actually good horror films,we have to get these predictable and generic found-footage films? Why must these films be a fucking trend? Can we please end the curse hollywood has laid upon us all with a really really REALLY good horror flick,and tell hollywood,'enough with these shit-films'?
So,the film is in the late 80's and the father of the family bought a 16 x 4 high quality camera to find traces of any ghosts or any kind of undead spirit. Sounds good on paper....if the movie took place in 2015. THOSE KIND OF CAMERAS NEVER EXISTED IN THE LATE 80'S PRODUCERS. For god's sake,do you even know your own shit? No,no of course not. Don't even try to fucking surprise us. So the father records everything and finds some signs of ghosts in their household and tells his wife about this but she,now get ready for this,brace yourself. You ready for this? ready? ready?....she doesn't believe him. Okay,so why not show her the footage with undeniable proof?....you're not? Well,why not?....oh you're not going to tell us? You're not too worried that your daughter is drawing these ominous drawings on your walls that she's seen the spirits? You're too busy with your stupid plausible camera that you're not going to give a shit about your own family?..........................................hey,you're the family man,it's your business brah.
But in all seriousness,the film is fucking stupid,the visual effects used for the dark spirits in the film is fucking hilariously bad - they make the visuals in pretty much any Uwe Boll movie look like James Cameron's Avatar. This is the same bullshit the producers gave us 5 times in the row. I'll admit the first movie isn't as scary but it was goddamn creepy enough for me to say it's a pretty good movie - but I hate these movies,this one especially.
One good thing about this movie,the ghosts won't have to deal with this bullshit any longer. Safe to say,they can rest in peace.
And now,before we hit our number one pic,time for our dishonorable mentions....
: Unless Sofia Vergara is in a porno,then I don't want her to talk at all. Just....bitch,you and Josh Gad are meant for each other ; annoying,retarded and forgettable.
-Alvin and the chipmunks - Road Chip
:....I actually like the fact that the film studios that produced these shitty-ass sequels weren't subtle about this one. I will ALWAYS laugh boisterously that they dared showing this film on the same day as the most anticipated film in 2015,"Star Wars : The Force Awakens".....so yeah fuck you Alvin.
....eh,I didn't see this film but my roommate said it sucks donkey balls.
: Don't get me wrong,transferring minds of a human into a robot is kinda cool....it's too bad that Ghost in the Shell already did that.
: Karl Urban.....fire your agent. Please make a sequel to your Dredd movie.
And now,the number one piece of shit film that everyone has always hated,that many people thought it was stupid,the one movie that we will happily forget when more and more clever written and well directed films come in.............................
(1) Fifty Shades of Grey
Now,it's no surprised that you thought this one is on the top 10,you're expecting that I rip a new one for this title.
It's no secret that this movie is basically a Twilight fanfiction that the author wrote and she thought this could be the one Stephen King would jerk off to....which is a bad image for my brain. Here's a kitty kat for you i.ytimg.com/vi/W-PBFMECvTE/max…
now where was I?..........oh yeah
Instead of me making up some swearing and exaggerating of how I feel about this movie,I'll write a brief summary of how bad this movie was.
So,my roommate said he wanted to take his girlfriend out to the theaters and watch a movie. His girlfriend is a fan of the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit lore series,so she wanted to go see "The Hobbit : Battle of the Five Armies" before the theatrical run ends - unfortunately they didn't show it at our theater,so they decided to check out just to see how it is. The first 10 minutes wasn't bad for them,mostly boring dialogue - but once they hit the 30 minute mark,things got awkward and disgusting...some women in the audience were moaning softly,they described that they smell some horrid scents from a few women in the audience as if they haven't bathed all day,the entire theater became humid and had the grossest smell all across the entire room,and what's even worse - all that happened and they didn't even hit the one hour mark. He even found a goddam cucumber that rolled under his girlfriend's seat - he said she almost screamed at the sight. They didn't finish the movie and left to go get their refund.
I felt sorry for them and offered them to watch 'Kill la Kill' with me and had some pizza xD
And from what I've seen from clip to clip on youtube,the scenes are well shot but the cast....MY GOD...they were boring. Stale,boring and unconvincing - they made the performance in 'Hot Pursuit' subtle.
My roommate's girlfriend even described the sex scenes weren't even that obscure,they were just so boring and awkward,and she even said that the cast's performance seem restricted because they look like they didn't want to be a part of the movie,hoping they have little screen time.
And goddamn it,I'm still flabbergasted that this movie made over $500 million across the world...but glad that other movies toppled that pile of donkey dung elephant shit horse piss shit of a movie. And thank god it's off the Top 10 highest grossing movies in 2015 - seriously,look up "2015 in film" on wikipedia XD
Well,that's it for this list. Tell me what you guys think of these movies down below. If there are other movies you think should be on this list,let me know as well.
Now,my hands hurt from typing this crap down - I'm gonna get some water and watch some "One Punch Man".